PARENTING TIPS
UPCOMING PARENTING CLASSES/EVENTS:
WEEKLY LOVE & LOGIC PARENTING TIPS: (More resources can be found at Love & Logic's website):
***PRAISE JUNKIES:
Are we raising a society hooked on praise? Perhaps you know someone who doesn’t feel whole…doesn’t experience happiness…unless they are receiving acknowledgment from the outside. Do we want our kids dependent upon the praise of others, or do we want them guided by a voice of personal responsibility residing in their hearts and their heads?
Far too many parenting and school discipline approaches rely on changing behavior by consistently providing praise and tangible goodies. While occasional praise is fine, do we set our kids up for difficulties when we overdo it? Life guided by an internal set of ethical principles…and a strong understanding of cause and effect…is far more likely to produce confidence and joy than a life dependent upon the fickle opinions of others.
Take the following quiz to see whether you are creating responsibly independent kids…or praiseaholics:
1. When my kids succeed on a task, I recognize their effort and their good feelings…rather than telling them how happy it makes me.
2. I demonstrate that I love them, even when I don’t necessarily love their behavior.
3. I allow my kids to see me resisting peer pressure…rather than always trying to project a perfect image.
4. I provide praise rarely…and only when they have done something truly praiseworthy.
5. My kids often overhear me talking about how I make my decisions based on my own beliefs...rather than seeing me make decisions based on what “everybody else is doing.” 6. I allow my kids to make affordable mistakes and learn from them…rather than constantly telling them what to do.
The more “yes” answers you gave, the more likely your kids will learn to resist peer pressure and lead lives where their happiness is based on doing the right thing rather than trying to please everyone.
LISTEN to this week's tip
***DON'T STEAL FROM YOUR KIDS BY GIVING THEM TOO MUCH:
I know a loving mom who does just about everything to make sure her kids are happy every second of the day. If there isn't the type of food they like in the fridge, she runs to the store to buy it. Whenever the newest electronic device comes out, she makes sure they're the first to own it.
Of course, she refrains from requiring any chores out of them, because she knows they work hard at school. Besides, it upsets them when she asks them to help.
Unfortunately, and unintentionally, mom is stealing from her children. They are two of the most miserable human beings on earth. They walk around; actually they sit around most of the time, with scowls on their faces. Because mom has stolen their self-esteem and gotten them hooked on stuff, nothing seems to bring happiness or contentment. Everything is "stupid" or "boring."
When we train our kids to believe that getting stuff is the key to happiness, might we be stealing their lifelong joy and sense of fulfillment? We want teach that true contentment comes from earning things rather than being showered with them.
To protect your children from this type of insidious theft, experiment with the following:
***READY FOR CELL PHONES, SOCIAL MEDIA, Etc. AT WHAT AGE?:
At what age should our kids be allowed to have their own cell phones? When is it appropriate for them to begin using social media?
The overly simplistic answer: Not before their early to middle teenage years.
Few kids have the maturity to handle the pressures of these privileges prior to adolescence. In fact, many adults lack the maturity!
“Maturity” is the key word. Since the stakes are so high, I encourage parents to take the following survey to see whether their kids might be ready. Rate your answers from 1 to 5 for all the statements below. Total your score at the end.
1---------------2---------------3---------------4---------------5
Not at all Absolutely
My child is respectful and fun to be around most of the time.
My child typically makes good decisions when he or she isn’t being watched.
My child takes responsibility for his or her poor decisions without blaming others.
My child believes that using technology is a privilege…not an entitlement or “right.”
My child understands that not everybody online is their “friend.”
My child completes chores and other responsibilities without needing to be nagged.
My child isn’t hooked on drama or gossip.
When I ask my child to turn off the TV, video game, etc. they do so without arguing.
My child handles conflict, teasing and other social trials without “falling apart.”
My child understands the risks of sharing too much information online.
Obviously, the higher the score, the more confident you can be that your child possesses the basic maturity required to handle technology responsibly. If in doubt, err on the side of caution.
For great techniques to lead your child to responsible decision making, check out Four Steps to Responsibility.
LISTEN to this week's tip
***TECHNOLOGY AND KIDS: REAL SOLUTIONS:
Each and every day our kids have opportunities to take cutting edge courses on the ins and outs of the latest technology. Visiting with their friends, they can learn what’s hot, what’s not, and how to work around most technological safeguards we put in place.
While they are taking these graduate-level courses, most of us are working long hours, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, fixing broken stuff and trying to squeeze a few more hours out of each day. As a result, trying to keep ahead of our kids’ technological savvy is impossible for most of us. Watching them every second of the day is also unrealistic. While it’s tough for some of us to admit, we have very little direct control over whether they make good digital decisions…or bad.
Real solutions to technology issues have little to do with technology…and almost everything to do with relationships.
When we have little or no direct control over any issue, we must rely on helping our kids become motivated to make good decisions from the inside-out rather than the outside-in. This means helping them feel so loved that they want to make good choices. This means providing limits in ways that reduce the odds of unwinnable power-struggles. This means allowing them to experience empathy and consequences when they blow it…so that the focus is on their bad decision rather than our anger. It’s all about spending time with them having fun, and showing through our example that there’s more to life than screens and cyber-drama.
UPCOMING PARENTING CLASSES/EVENTS:
WEEKLY LOVE & LOGIC PARENTING TIPS: (More resources can be found at Love & Logic's website):
***PRAISE JUNKIES:
Are we raising a society hooked on praise? Perhaps you know someone who doesn’t feel whole…doesn’t experience happiness…unless they are receiving acknowledgment from the outside. Do we want our kids dependent upon the praise of others, or do we want them guided by a voice of personal responsibility residing in their hearts and their heads?
Far too many parenting and school discipline approaches rely on changing behavior by consistently providing praise and tangible goodies. While occasional praise is fine, do we set our kids up for difficulties when we overdo it? Life guided by an internal set of ethical principles…and a strong understanding of cause and effect…is far more likely to produce confidence and joy than a life dependent upon the fickle opinions of others.
Take the following quiz to see whether you are creating responsibly independent kids…or praiseaholics:
1. When my kids succeed on a task, I recognize their effort and their good feelings…rather than telling them how happy it makes me.
2. I demonstrate that I love them, even when I don’t necessarily love their behavior.
3. I allow my kids to see me resisting peer pressure…rather than always trying to project a perfect image.
4. I provide praise rarely…and only when they have done something truly praiseworthy.
5. My kids often overhear me talking about how I make my decisions based on my own beliefs...rather than seeing me make decisions based on what “everybody else is doing.” 6. I allow my kids to make affordable mistakes and learn from them…rather than constantly telling them what to do.
The more “yes” answers you gave, the more likely your kids will learn to resist peer pressure and lead lives where their happiness is based on doing the right thing rather than trying to please everyone.
LISTEN to this week's tip
***DON'T STEAL FROM YOUR KIDS BY GIVING THEM TOO MUCH:
I know a loving mom who does just about everything to make sure her kids are happy every second of the day. If there isn't the type of food they like in the fridge, she runs to the store to buy it. Whenever the newest electronic device comes out, she makes sure they're the first to own it.
Of course, she refrains from requiring any chores out of them, because she knows they work hard at school. Besides, it upsets them when she asks them to help.
Unfortunately, and unintentionally, mom is stealing from her children. They are two of the most miserable human beings on earth. They walk around; actually they sit around most of the time, with scowls on their faces. Because mom has stolen their self-esteem and gotten them hooked on stuff, nothing seems to bring happiness or contentment. Everything is "stupid" or "boring."
When we train our kids to believe that getting stuff is the key to happiness, might we be stealing their lifelong joy and sense of fulfillment? We want teach that true contentment comes from earning things rather than being showered with them.
To protect your children from this type of insidious theft, experiment with the following:
- The next time your child wants something, ask, "How do you think you might earn that?"
- Instead of taking on the problem of affording the item, say, "You may have that as soon as you can afford it."
- Give them some ideas about how they might earn the required cash, and give yourself a pat on the back for not giving in.
- Notice how proud they are when they earn things through good old-fashioned perspiration.
***READY FOR CELL PHONES, SOCIAL MEDIA, Etc. AT WHAT AGE?:
At what age should our kids be allowed to have their own cell phones? When is it appropriate for them to begin using social media?
The overly simplistic answer: Not before their early to middle teenage years.
Few kids have the maturity to handle the pressures of these privileges prior to adolescence. In fact, many adults lack the maturity!
“Maturity” is the key word. Since the stakes are so high, I encourage parents to take the following survey to see whether their kids might be ready. Rate your answers from 1 to 5 for all the statements below. Total your score at the end.
1---------------2---------------3---------------4---------------5
Not at all Absolutely
My child is respectful and fun to be around most of the time.
My child typically makes good decisions when he or she isn’t being watched.
My child takes responsibility for his or her poor decisions without blaming others.
My child believes that using technology is a privilege…not an entitlement or “right.”
My child understands that not everybody online is their “friend.”
My child completes chores and other responsibilities without needing to be nagged.
My child isn’t hooked on drama or gossip.
When I ask my child to turn off the TV, video game, etc. they do so without arguing.
My child handles conflict, teasing and other social trials without “falling apart.”
My child understands the risks of sharing too much information online.
Obviously, the higher the score, the more confident you can be that your child possesses the basic maturity required to handle technology responsibly. If in doubt, err on the side of caution.
For great techniques to lead your child to responsible decision making, check out Four Steps to Responsibility.
LISTEN to this week's tip
***TECHNOLOGY AND KIDS: REAL SOLUTIONS:
Each and every day our kids have opportunities to take cutting edge courses on the ins and outs of the latest technology. Visiting with their friends, they can learn what’s hot, what’s not, and how to work around most technological safeguards we put in place.
While they are taking these graduate-level courses, most of us are working long hours, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, fixing broken stuff and trying to squeeze a few more hours out of each day. As a result, trying to keep ahead of our kids’ technological savvy is impossible for most of us. Watching them every second of the day is also unrealistic. While it’s tough for some of us to admit, we have very little direct control over whether they make good digital decisions…or bad.
Real solutions to technology issues have little to do with technology…and almost everything to do with relationships.
When we have little or no direct control over any issue, we must rely on helping our kids become motivated to make good decisions from the inside-out rather than the outside-in. This means helping them feel so loved that they want to make good choices. This means providing limits in ways that reduce the odds of unwinnable power-struggles. This means allowing them to experience empathy and consequences when they blow it…so that the focus is on their bad decision rather than our anger. It’s all about spending time with them having fun, and showing through our example that there’s more to life than screens and cyber-drama.
PARENTING BOOKS
- Tina Payne Bryson, PhD - No Drama Discipline AND The Whole Brain Child
- Dan Siegel, PhD - Parenting From The Inside Out
- Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - Raising Your Spirited Child
- Russell Barkley, PhD & Christine Benton - Your Defiant Child
- Rapee, Wignall, Spence, Cobham, Lyneham - Helping your Anxious Child